


Dating This Entire Time

by AutumnPen



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Confusion, Dating, Fluff, M/M, Minor Angst, Misunderstandings, Self-Worth Issues, ends happy, gon doesn't realize he's in a relationship, idk what to tag this how do tags even work honestly, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 20:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7452556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnPen/pseuds/AutumnPen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the week 2 prompt over on hunterxprompt.tumblr.com:<br/>“Wait, did you just say you didn’t know we were dating? What do you think we were doing this entire time!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dating This Entire Time

It all starts with a text from Alluka.

Texting casually with Killua's sister had long ago become commonplace – starting before Gon and his best friend had even reunited properly. Sometimes Gon thinks it odd – that in the years he and Killua had spent (mostly) traveling apart, all manner of unspoken weirdness lingering between them – that those were the years where he'd learned the most about Alluka, and when the two of them had really connected and forged a friendship of their own. Still, it's a relationship Gon is thankful for, and he counts Alluka among his closest of friends.

While off exploring with Killua, she would occasionally swipe her brother's phone. It was her job, she assured Gon, as the younger sibling to be a little nosy and annoying sometimes. Gon remembers smiling and wondering if anything Alluka ever did ever truly annoyed Killua, aware of how much his friend adored her. With her brother's phone in her hands and his contact number at her disposal, she made it her business to occasionally send him a string of emojis and a cheerful hello – always accompanied by a “this is alluka!” so he could be sure who he was talking to – or a silly picture of their mutual favorite person. Later, she left off swiping her brother's phone for swiping Gon's number instead and entering it into her own contact list. And that was that. Short conversations filled with formalities turned into late-night hours-long conversations where they talked about a lot of little nothings or confided in one another what they could not admit to others out loud. There was a safety in being able to hide behind a little glowing screen while airing one's fears.

_(_ Hers: _Sometimes I worry brother regrets this. He shouldn't have to do it all on his own. I don't want to be his burden._

His: _I feel kinda lost sometimes. I don't know what to do with myself or even who I am anymore. I don't think I liked who I was._ )

Somewhere along the line the girl with the black hair and bright blue eyes in the selfies that Gon occasionally received stopped being just “Killua's sister.” Over time, she became “Alluka – my friend.” She became Alluka – who was kind and a little uncertain of herself more often than she liked to let on. Alluka, who was more open to expressing her affection than her brother, but was every bit as sharp as he was. Insight, too, was something she shared with Killua. And she had something of his mischievous streak.

It took longer for him to get to know Nanika. Nanika wasn't often allowed to have control of the phone, and when Alluka spoke of her she spoke in somewhat vague terms – Gon had always assumed it was an intentional precaution. But by and by, he came to understand that Nanika's mind worked in ways that really only Alluka could interpret, even if she couldn't always verbalize it. He was told that she was very perceptive and intelligent, despite her limited speaking abilities. Alluka had once tried to tell him something about how Nanika saw things, but he'd been unable to follow most of it. Shortly after Alluka assured him it had very little to do with him, because her brother didn't get it, either. Gon remembers being reminded of nen contracts – something about connections and desires, but Alluka told him there was more to it than that. She talked about blood and intention and vastness as it related to what was inside and what was outside. She had said something about the universe as a whole. He hadn't been able to wrap his mind around it.

Alluka and Killua both insisted to him separately that Nanika was first and foremost kind and loving, which was all Gon needed to be sure that Nanika was both of those things.

When Gon was sixteen, he and Killua had agreed to meet up briefly in a city a little south of Heaven's Arena. When the three of them retreated to the privacy of their hotel, Alluka announced that Nanika wanted to come out and visit. Nanika blinked open deep black eyes and smiled with her odd gaping mouth and said “Gon!”

It had startled him a little bit – hearing his name come from her, and Killua had blinked his surprise, too. Quickly, though, he smiled back and said “Nanika!” and was treated to the sight of her smile growing while she brought both hands to her own face while letting out a soft giggle. “Hee~”

Killua and Gon also kept in touch, of course – maintained their friendship through (occasionally sparse) phone calls and texts and, (even more rarely) stumbling across each other's paths again. Sometimes they were both hesitant, and sometimes their were awkward lapses in conversations that led to long periods where neither of them said anything but desperately tried to think of something worthwhile to say. All the same, few things made Gon's lonely days on Whale Island – and later, the still lonely days of travel – brighter than seeing the Killua's name light up his phone screen. It was important to him – the most important thing – that he do whatever he could to maintain their relationship. He'd told Killua, had more or less promised him, that they'd always be friends. He planned on keeping that promise.

Still, though, when he wasn't completely consumed with his all-burning longing for communication – of any kind – with his best friend, he often looked forward to conversations with the younger Zoldyck, too. When Killua was unable to, too focused on planning safe ways to travel or occupied with other important things, Alluka had been the one to keep Gon in the loop as best she could. He'd always been thankful for that.

So when Gon's phone buzzes in his pocket and the screen tells him he has a text from her, he is usually quick to respond, even to the smallest of messages.

_'Hope you and brother are having a good time!_ ( ﾉ^ω^)ﾉﾟ _'_

He smiles, glances up from where he stands toeing off his shoes by the doorway to watch as Killua makes his way further into the room. He thumbs his reply.

_'We are! We just checked into our hotel. I don't think Leorio's going to be in town until tomorrow, though, so we might go walk around a bit, check out the sights. Or stay in like lazy bums if that's what Killua wants.'_ Not his preferred option, honestly, but if Killua wants to.. _'Dunno, haven't decided yet.'_

He slides the phone back into his pocket to finish lugging his bag inside. The room they've rented in really nice – nicer than they need, probably. But it's got a small living area and kitchenette, and the bedroom is a separate room all to itself. When he passes by, he can see Killua moving around the bedroom out of the corner of his eye. He doesn't go in yet, but decides to explore the rest of the place, dumping his bag temporarily by the couch. He's nosing through the mostly empty cabinets in the kitchen area when – _ping!_ Another text notification. It's Alluka again.

_'O-ho~? ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀ Well then. I'm sure you'll find a way to occupy yourselves.'_

There's only a few moments before Alluka shoots him another message.

_'By the way I wanted to let you know how glad I am that things worked out between you guys. It makes me so happy!_ ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و'

Gon feels something unknot itself in his chest. Honestly, he still worries about Killua and himself sometimes. He's doing his best to be a good friend to Killua – the friend that he deserves.

It's been about three months since they had what Gon mentally refers to as The Talk. It had been awkward and more than a little emotional and honestly they probably hadn't said all they meant to say. It was kind of hard to get very far past – _'I'm sorry but I just didn't want to exist anymore and I was so angry and empty and I wanted you to be safe_ ' and _'I wanted you to want me there with you. I was going to go as far as you did. I wanted to be by your side_ ' – because at that point the tears were a never-ending downpour and there was a lot of snot and barely-smothered hiccuping sobs and sitting very very close together with hands clenched together, knuckles white, desperate – as if to say without words – _I'm not letting go this time, you can't make me_.

That Alluka seems to think things are “worked out” between them, though – that has to be a good sign, right? She knows Killua better than just about anyone, so she should know. And maybe Killua said something to her.

_'Yeah?'_ He texts back. _'I'm happy, too.'_ He sends, and is hit by how profoundly true that is. Even if things aren't... Even if it's not everything he's ever imagined, even if part of him still longs for something he doesn't think he'll ever be able to admit aloud to... It's no matter – being able to be around Killua again, to travel around with him and spend time together – it's the happiest he's been in a long, long time.

_Ping!_

Another message.

_'Good!_ ˭̡̞(◞⁎˃ᆺ˂)◞*✰ _Not to mention, you two make THE CUTEST couple!_ (♡ >ω'

Gon's thumb, hovering preemptively over the keyboard to swipe a response, freezes in place.

He reads it, reads it again, and then reads it a third time to make sure his eyes aren't playing tricks on him. He reads it until the words on the screen no longer register in his mind as words.

“Gon.”

From his spot leaning against the counter, Gon jumps. Killua is standing at the divide between the kitchen and the living area – where the carpet stops and tile starts. Gon looks at him with wide eyes, his face suddenly warm.

If Killua notices his strange expression, he doesn't comment on it, instead asking, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Gon says, a little too quickly – uncertain why he feels like he's just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. It's not like Killua can see the inexplicable, impossible text on his screen. Even if he could it – it's not as if he can read the hopeful, dangerous longing Gon felt in his core right there on his face.

...Could he?

“Just texting Alluka,” Gon clarifies, hoping against hope that Killua can't hear the nervous fluttering of his heart. “Letting her know we got in alright.” Gon feels like the earth has been rocked beneath him. He desperately wants to look at the text again to make sure it hadn't been a hallucination – because it feels incredibly likely that he'll glance down at the screen again to find the message that ludicrously implied that he was dating his best friend gone, nothing more than a product of his combined jet-lag and fanciful daydreams. But he can't look now, with Killua right there in front of him. He's hyper conscious of the phone in his hand and suddenly paranoid Killua will come over to take a peek at his screen.

Killua smiles at the mention of his sister, steps closer while Gon is too preoccupied with the alarm bells ringing in his head to do anything but stand there like a deer in the headlights. “Well, c'mon,” he says, reaching out – not to snatch his phone up, as Gon's irrational fears try to argue – but to pluck once gently at the hem Gon's shirt, then to catch Gon's fingers with his own. He tugs on Gon's hand. “We passed a store on the way here with chocolates in the window. I wanna go check it out.”

Gon is caught somewhere between helplessly reeling because Killua is threading their fingers together casually, like it's the most natural thing in the world, and fond exasperation because _of_ course Killua honed in on the first chocolate store they passed. “U-um,” he manages, elegantly, staring down at their joined hands. “Yeah, okay.”

\- - - - -

Gon is a distracted bumbling mess the entire day. They do wind up walking around town after visiting the chocolate store, but Gon has a hard time concentrating with his brain running itself in circles trying to make sense out of the text that Alluka had sent – and yes, is _still there_ , saying impossible things.

They're not dating. They can't be. Because if they were dating, then Gon would know. He'd have to know! There's no possible way they could be dating and Gon not know about it. He is pretty sure that two people dating is something that has to be mutually agreed upon – and he doesn't remember either asking for or agreeing to such an arrangement. Or Killua asking, for that matter

( _Oh God oh God his face is so hot it's so hot and Killua is going to notice how flushed he is and think something weird is up and he'll have to try to think of an excuse for why he's so flushed and his brain is so fried he won't be able to think of anything and everything he's worked so hard to hold in is just going to come spilling out and-_ )

Gon tries to willfully calm the wild tempo of his pulse, makes himself look at the ground and not the back of Killua's head, walking just a few paces ahead of him. Besides, you'd know if your fondest daydream had suddenly come true, wouldn't you?

So. Not dating. But then why had Alluka sent him that message? His brain had already fired numerous possibilities for such an obviously wrong text to wind up in his inbox. The first possibility is that Alluka had probably only sent that message to him by mistake. Clearly, it was meant for someone else and she had somehow typed it into the wrong window. If not that then, possibly, he's just gone crazy. Or contracted some sort of cruelly selective amnesia. Or maybe he's slipped into an alternate dimension, and alterneate-dimension-Gon apparently has his life _way more together_ than he does because _holy shit_.

Receiving the text by accident is probably the most likely of all his thus-far imagined scenarios, though, and also comparably the easier possibility to confirm. He needs Alluka to confirm this, but hours pass without a new text from her, and Killua begins to notice Gon obsessively checking his phone despite the fact that it hasn't buzzed once since they left the hotel. Alluka must have set her phone aside for some reason. He needs to draw her attention to the conversation again so that she can see she sent that message to the wrong person. So, he just needs to send her another text. But what?

Asking outright what she means by her last text won't do. Because if- If for some reason he's wrong, and they are a – _Damn the butterflies in his stomach_ – couple, won't that make him look like the biggest ass? He doesn't want Alluka to think anything untoward is happening between him and her brother, and surely whatever he says to her will eventually find it's way back to Killua himself. Saying “thank you” or otherwise confirming is out of the question, too. He can't confirm what he knows isn't true – and when Alluka inevitably admits that the last message wasn't meant for him, that would cause a whole new misunderstanding.

Eventually he settles on just sending her a question mark. There. On the one hand, it could seem like he's questioning her statement. On the other, it's simple and short enough that he could claim it was sent on accident.

Gon even lets himself relax a little. Any moment now, Alluka will confirm that he's not crazy, and that he didn't forget what would have been an earth-shattering life-changing event.

Not too much later, he gets a reply -

_'Hmm?_ (✿´ ꒳ ` ) _'_

Or not. Not the response he thought he would get. Alluka should be able to see her previous message – she should have confirmed that she'd made a mistake. She hadn't. Which means she can see their message history, and sees nothing wrong with it. Quickly, Gon makes his excuse – _'Sorry, didn't mean to send that'_ just as Killua drops back to walk beside him and dig an elbow in his ribs.

“Jeeze! What's with you and that phone all day?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Gon says, and slides it into his pocket with a sheepish smile as he tries to quietly come to terms with the fact that his most reasonable theory for The Case of the Impossible Text has been effectively shot out of the sky. He begins to search for possible gaps in his memory wherein a relationship with Killua could have begun without him noticing. Or else, how does one know when one has slipped accidentally into a parallel dimension? Surely there would be _other_ things different about a parallel world aside from the status of his and Killua's relationship.

Killua scoffs and reaches for Gon's hand again, unintentionally lighting a fire under Gon's skin. And there's that, too. Whether or not they're dating, the mere suggestion that they could be leaves Gon hyper aware of every time Killua looks at him with soft eyes, or smiles in his direction, or touches him casually. So when Gon's not busy trying to rationalize the text, he's wearing himself out by analyzing every little thing Killua's doing. Does Killua usually look at him slant-ways and coy like that? Is it coy? Is Gon just imagining that? Does his smile usually look so fond? If it does, isn't a certain level of fondness for one's best friend normal? Is Killua brushing shoulders with him as they walk intentionally, or is it only because the sidewalk had grown more crowded in the last few blocks?

And now they're holding hands. Like Killua had held his hand as he led him out the door to the hotel, and on the elevator ride down. It's not that they've never held hands before. In fact, casual hand-holding is something Gon has been privileged enough to occasionally enjoy every once and a while these days. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, though – does it?

“Well, stop being sorry and start paying attention. I was trying to ask if you wanted to stay out for dinner or if you wanted to bring something back to the room.”

“Oh,” Gon says softly, still looking down at their hands. He hadn't even realized Killua had been talking to him a moment ago. “I, uh,” he lifts his gaze to find Killua looking directly at him, his eyes such a pretty shade of blue under the dark sweep of his eyelashes. His heart is suddenly in his throat. He has to swallow. “We can – we can do whatever you want, Killua. I don't mind either way.”

Killua lifts an eyebrow briefly but turns his gaze ahead, thoughtful. He shifts closer as they walk, and Gon really doesn't know how much more his poor heart can handle. Killua hums, “Mmm, I saw a Thai place close to the hotel earlier. We could pick up food and bring it up to the room. Maybe they'll have that thing you like.”

Gon really doesn't think the suggestion really warrants the butterflies in his stomach acting up again, even if Killua had correctly guessed at something Gon would crave for a take-out dinner. “Um, yeah. That sounds great.”

\- - - - - - - -

Dinner is spent in a not-quite-uncomfortable silence. They talk a little – about their plans for the next day, and about maybe surfing through whatever channels the TV in the living area has as they wind down for the evening. Killua mentions maybe showing Leorio the chocolate shop tomorrow, and Gon laughs because he knows that's only a thinly-veiled excuse because of course Killua only wants more chocolate for himself.

Killua also pulls out his phone to do a little texting himself, but Gon feels like he has no right to comment on it when he'd spent nearly the entire day on his own.

When they retire to the couch to see if there's a movie channel with something interesting on, Gon feels like his mind hasn't stopped running all day. And Killua sits close – real close. Their arms are touching – practically pressed together. When Killua sets down the remote, he picks up Gon's hand. Gon feels like there's been much more hand-holding today than there usually is, which only gives him another bone to gnaw at.

Several minutes into the movie, Gon realizes he doesn't know what's going on in the movie, because he's been too busy staring down at their hands and at the side of Killua's face. Killua notices this too, and says his name suddenly without looking away from the TV screen.

“Gon.”

That syllable is enough to make Gon jump, and when Killua turns to look at him he can only offer a sheepish smile. He thinks he's been doing that a lot today.

“What is it?” Killua continues after a few moments of waiting for Gon to speak.

Gon blinks, taking a moment to process the words. “What? O-oh, nothing. It's nothing.”

Apparently, though, Killua is done accepting that answer for the day. He calls Gon on his bluff. “Bull. Do you have something to say? You were just staring at me. Did you not want to watch a movie? Because we can do something else.”

“Oh, no, it's not that, I just-” Unconsciously, Gon drops his eyes to their hands, unable to help himself.

Killua's brows furrow and then he's looking at their joined hands to, a thoughtful frown tugging on his lips. “What? It's this?” He asks, then shifts their hands a bit.

“No,” Gon denies again and suddenly hopes that Killua doesn't decided to let go of his hand. He doesn't want that.

Killua angles his body a little more towards Gon, and Gon knows then that he's forgotten the movie and is set on figuring out just what's bugging him. He resists the urge to swallow. “Gon, stop lying. I know something's up – you've been acting weird all day. I mean- If it's the hand-holding or something you just have to let me know.” His expression is serious, but his eyes soften as he continues. “I don't want to do anything you don't want to.”

“No!” Gon says again, too quickly. Killua raises both eyebrows at him and he feels himself flush. “I-it's not that. I … I like holding you hand. That's – This is fine.”

Killua narrows his eyes a little, but leaves his hand where it is. “Okay,” he says slowly. “But, there _is_ something, then?”

Gon bites back a swear. He hadn't meant to let on that anything had been bothering him – but now Killua knew there was and he had to think of _something_ to say. “I'm – It's just.” He drops his gaze again to avoid looking directly at his best friend, but their hands are still right there between them – propped up on the knee Killua has drawn up onto the couch. “Do... do you, ... um, like it?”

The stupidity of that question slaps Gon in the face mere moments after the words leave his mouth. He's never exactly been eloquent – but this is a new low. He expects Killua to scoff, to pull back and call him an idiot. When he finds the courage to look up, its almost worse – because Killua is still there, still hand in hand with him, but his mouth is pulled at an amused angle and he looks like he might laugh at any moment.

“Gon,” he says, slowly like Gon needs it to be spelled out for him. And maybe he does. “I wouldn't do it if I didn't like it.”

“Oh,” Gon manages, wondering if he looks as embarrassed as he feels. But his mouth continues on, bumbling through words haltingly as though intent on making him look like even more of a fool. “Then... that's... good. Because, we... We, uh. Both. ...Like it. So it's okay.”

Killua's lips twitch as he tries not to let his smile widen. He gives a slow exaggerated nod for Gon's benefit.

“And, uh...” Gon's throat stops up momentarily. Killua is smiling like– like Gon's an idiot but maybe he's Killua's favorite idiot and it's embarrassing and gosh those butterflies are eager little bastards. They might as well just crawl up his throat and float away at this point. Killua is smiling and holding his hand and really looking quite content to spend the rest of the evening waiting for Gon to finish spitting out what he's trying to say.

Fuck it. He can't take the suspense anymore.

“A-and, it's okay, because … we're … you know--” Gon doesn't know if he can actually verbalize it. Killua beats him to it, though.

“Dating?”

...

Gon misses the beat in which he should have replied in some way, because he can only stare at Killua. His beautiful, wonderful friend who is holding his hand and just said “dating” - that they're – _they're_ \- “D-dating,” Gon mumbles, flabbergasted. He wonders if it's possible to blush with one's whole body. He feels hot all over, face radiating heat like he's got a fever. He can't believe it.

When Killua begins to pull a face at Gon's startled reaction, though, Gon realizes his mistake. Uh-oh.

“Uh, yeah!” Gon shouts, over-shooting his volume in and attempt to sound confident in his statement. “Dating, yeah! We're dating. Dating. Me and you. Dating e-each other?” His voice lilts like a question, which makes Killua frown, so he plows on. “Of course we are! Because we – we're dating and-”

Killua cuts him off by lifting his hand and very gently laying a finger atop Gon's lips. Gon freezes very quickly. Killua has never even sort of touched his mouth before. Gon is struck with the sudden insane urge to pull Killua's hand closer and kiss the palm of it.

But Killua's expression is very serious. “Gon,” he says in a low voice, pinning Gon under his gaze. “Did you just say you didn’t know we were dating?”

Gon opens his mouth, but Killua's index finger is still there. “Killua-,” he murmurs against it. “Your- I can't-”

Killua pulls the digit away and squeezes the hand he's still holding perhaps a little too tight, silently bidding him to answer the question.

Gon presses his mouth into a thin line. He's upset Killua. He doesn't like upsetting Killua – not about something as important as this. “I mean... Technically I said that we _are_ dating.”

The harsh flick he receives to his forehead as a reprimand is probably deserved. Still, he moans an 'owwww!' and rubs at the spot with his free hand. Just for a moment, Killua lets his thumb dig a little into the back of Gon's hand, drawing his attention again back to their conversation.

“Don't be a smartass! You know what I mean. Did you just say you didn't know we've been dating?”

Gon bites his lower lip, turns his body towards Killua, mirroring him. Then he admits in a quiet tone, “I'm very confused.”

“Confused?” Killua's voice, by comparison, is really, really loud.

“Yes, confused!” Gon matches his volume briefly, before lowering it again. In his frustration, it all comes out in a rush. “Just – I was – When Alluka texted me this morning, she said something about how we make a good couple, but I don't remember us becoming a couple and I don't know why she'd send that to me if she didn't think we're a couple and why would she think we're a couple if we're not? I just don't remember ever asking you, Killua, and I don't remember you asking either!”

Killua's eyes are wide as he listens to Gon's speedy explanation. He rocks backwards a little once Gon is finished, makes a growling frustrated sound. He tips his face towards to ceiling and slaps his free hand over his face in exasperation. “I– I did ask! How can you not remember this?”

Gon furrows his eyebrows worriedly. “I'm sorry Killua! I just don't,” he frets.

Killua looks down at him again, mouth slanted at a displeased angle. “You – You're such a-” Suddenly, though, his face goes red, as though something just occurs to him. “Wait, so you- Does that mean – Do you... not _want_ -?”

“No!” Gon says in a hurry. “I mean y- I mean... No, I don't want to not date – date you.” Shouldn't all the blood rushing too his face make him feel dizzy? He feels like there is a lot of blood rushing to his face this evening. It can't be healthy. “I want... Killua, I-” His throat closes up around the words, but he tightens his grip on Killua's hand – still in his own – thinks _oh please don't let go don't let go don't let go_.

Killua seems to understand, though, because his blush lessens by degrees and he takes a breath before switching gears. “Do you remember when we visited Palm, like, way back before my birthday?”

Gon nods. He probably wouldn't be able to forget that any time soon.

“And Palm took Alluka out shopping and you and I stayed behind and -”

Gon nods again, cutting Killua off. It was then they'd had their (probably ill-timed) talk. Neither of them had been quite done with wiping away their tears by the time Alluka and Palm had could be heard outside the door, and Killua had quickly run for the bathroom to wash his face while Gon merely wiped his eyes on his sleeves, put of a brave smile for his friends when they entered, and pretended like there was nothing wrong with they asked him if he was okay.

Killua mirrors his nod, and for a moment they just hold each other's gazes. Gon becomes aware of Killua's thumb stroking gently over the back of his hand.

“Okay,” Killua says after a long moment. “Then, like, a week later...” He trails off, looking at Gon expectantly.

Gon frowns a little, shifts his gaze just over Killua's shoulder as he thinks. “We weren't at Palm's anymore... We were traveling in Yoriban, south of Yorknew.” Gon remembers this. Before even finding a place to stay, they'd stopped at a beach and played in the surf. He and Killua had sat side-by-side for hours while Alluka collected sea shells and threw starfish back into the ocean. It was peaceful and satisfying. Gon had always loved beaches – felt in his element more there than he usually did in big cities.

“We rented that small two-level place because you could just walk right onto the beach from it.”

Gon nods again, frowning. It feels like Killua is trying to lead him to something that should be obvious, but it's not. “Yeah, I remember that.”

Color finds it's way onto Killua's cheeks again. “Alluka went up to bed one night and we stayed up and we were talking and just sorta sitting on the floor with a bunch of pillows.”

They had actually stayed up a lot of night talking, if Gon remembers correctly. Not Talking, just talking. About nothing, usually. But it had been nice. Those handful of days had really been sort of wondrous. Their daytime hours full but not busy-feeling – the three of them either spending those hours swimming or making sandcastles or shell-hunting or wandering around in town. At one point Alluka and Gon had even buried Killua in sand up to his neck, laughing and giggling the whole time. Killua had acted annoyed but stayed perfectly still while they shoved more and more sand atop him. In the evenings, they would wander back into their little two-level, shaking truly excessive amounts of sand from their tired bodies. Alluka, having more hair than both of them combined, usually had more than her fair share of white grains to shake loose, but never seemed to mind too much. Then they would eat and play indoor games and watch bad movies or, too sleepy to concentrate on much else, would converse and laugh quietly into the night, content simply to enjoy one another's company.

“Yeah, I remember that too,” Gon says, his voice soft, fond with the memory of it all.

Killua's cheeks remain a charming warm color – it's only fair, Gon thinks, after how much _he's_ been blushing all day – as he continues. “We were – We were talking and I was... You were sitting up and I had a pillow propped up against your leg.”

Flushing again – damnit – Gon drops his gaze back down to their hands. They'd been holding hands then, too – sort of. Killua's pillow was against his leg, and Killua laying on his back. His own arm had been sort of woven under Killua's right arm – the one closest to his hip – and then draped over his chest. That same arm was fitted along side his, Killua's hand resting on top of his, their fingers loosely knitted together. They'd been playing a mobile app game together and Killua was waiting for Gon to finish his turn, his phone resting face-down on his stomach. “Yeah,” Gon confirms in a small voice.

Killua now makes a small frustrated sound. “Gon, I told you I liked you!”

Gon furrows his eyebrows. “I-” Killua had done that. “Yeah, I remember. You said you liked having me around.” But that didn't mean that- that Killua liked him _like that_.

Killua rolls his eyes. “No, Gon, I said: 'Gon, I like you' and you looked and me and said 'yeah?' so I said 'Yes, I like you a lot, and I'm happy you're here with me.' And you smiled down at me all dopey like and said 'I like you a lot, too, Killua' and that being with me made you happy, too. Then you squeezed my hand and touched my hair and we went to sleep like right after that.”

Gon frowns. Yes. He remembers all of that. It had been a wonderful, wonderful night, all in all. Killua had never had an easy time verbally affirming their friendship when they were younger, and Gon had felt so lucky that Killua had said those words to him. “So... You're saying that was the start of us dating?”

“Yes!” Killua sounds exceptionally exasperated. “What do you think we've been doing this whole time?”

“I- Just? Traveling together again? Like before.”

“Just traveling together? Gon! We've been – How could you not. We're – we've been touching all the time. We're holding hands right now!” As if to emphasize his point, Killua jostles their joined hands.

“Wha-” Gon looks at their hands, flabbergasted, but protests. “We- That's not necessarily a dating thing! We were holding hands right before you said you liked me, and we held hands for like the entire week before that off and on, after- you know.. After Palm's house.”

Killua grunts. “We've been hold- like- like hugging! Kind of excessively for people who aren't dating! The other day I hugged you for like ten minutes. And you hugged back!”

Yes, yes they had. And Gon had very quietly enjoyed every amazing moment of leaning quietly into one another, Killua's arms around his back while his own held tentatively onto the other's shoulders. “I... I just thought you were being nice?” He offers. Maybe that should have been an indicator, but how could he have just assumed?

“Gon!” Killua slaps a hand over his eyes, his mouth unwillingly forming a smile at the ridiculousness of their conversation. “We've been sharing a bed. Exclusively. Like, every night, for _months_.”

That's right, too. At some point Killua had switched from occasionally sharing a bed with his sister when they could only book a room with two beds to sharing with Gon. But Gon had assumed that was because, well, Alluka was a girl and she wanted her space. And even now, when it's just him and Killua - “Well, getting one bed is usually easier than getting two, isn't it? And we've shared beds before.”

“When we were kids! It's not exactly normal for two guys our age to be sharing a bed-”

“Killua, when has our friendship ever been normal?”

Gon thinks he has him there, and Killua does pause. But then he gives a dead-pan look out from under his bangs, and continues, “And the cuddling?”

Gon's face heats up again, and he feels a moment of guilt for how much he'd been privately enjoying cuddles he'd assumed were the product of Killua's unconsciousness. “I thought you were just rolling over in your sleep! And – and you always like to take up most of the bed-”

Killua scoffs. “No more than you do!”

“Killua! I just – I didn't think you were doing that on purpose.”

“Well,” Killua says evenly. “I was.”

Gon's heart skips a beat. “Well, how was I supposed to know?”

“Because I told you I liked you, you idiot!” Only Killua could look that gently at him while insulting him.

Gon really wants to reach out and touch Killua, even if their hands are still entwined. His unoccupied hand twitches. “Killua, that's not fair. I didn't know that you meant you liked me _like that_.”

“Gon, why wouldn't you think I liked you like that? I did say I liked you _a lot_.” Killua draws their joined hands close to him, pinching Gon's arm as punishment. “That was fucking hard to say, too.”

“I thought you meant just as a friend! You'd never really said that kind of stuff when we were kids so I thought – I just thought you. Were saying it then. Because when we were kids you never could.”

“Gon, I thought when you said you were happy being with me that you meant that – that you wanted to _be with me_ that way. Because that's what I meant.”

Killua's gaze is unwavering as he looks at Gon. It's overwhelming – Killua looking at him like that and saying those words. Gon feels open and vulnerable – like Killua can see right through to his heart, can hear every private selfish wish he's ever made.

“Killua,” Gon says, and his voice cracks a little on his friend's name. Killua's thumb rubs against the back of his hand again. _I want that_. _I want you_. These are the things he wants to say. Instead, he says, “I didn't think you'd ever want me that way.”

Killua's voice is soft when he asks, “Why not?” Gon isn't able to speak around the hard lump in his throat. “Why are you trying so hard to explain this any other way?”

“ _Because_ ,” Gon tells him, as if that alone is an answer. But he knows it isn't. All the self-hatred he's kept so carefully locked down is pushing its way up his throat, and he doesn't think he can hold it back this time. “I'm – I'm not. I don't _deserve_ -”

“Gon,” Killua's voice is firm, now, like he means to cut Gon off, but that doesn't stop him.

“Killua, I'm – I'm happy just being. Near you.” He keeps his gaze directed downwards, unable to lay himself bare while looking Killua in the eye at the same time. “I'm lucky enough that you- you let me be a part of your life again even though I'm– Even though I'm... not the greatest friend. Or person. I just... You're so important. I couldn't ever assume that you- That I'm worthy enough to-” His voice is watery and his eyes sting a little. He really doesn't want to cry – feels stupid for it. Killua is successful in cutting him off this time if only because he isn't sure he can trust his voice to say anymore.

“Gon. Gon, stop. Look at me.” He lifts his free hand to Gon's chin, carefully lifts it. “First of all, I've already told you want I want. You don't have to assume anything. I'm telling you _right now_ that I like you – that I _like-like_ you – and that I want to be with you and date you.”

Since when could Killua just say things like that? Even though his eyes are wet, Gon manages to blush at Killua's straight-forward admission. There is officially no way to deny how Killua feels about him.

Killua looks at him with such sincere, genuine emotion in those beautiful blue eyes and Gon feels like maybe he's being pulled back from that dark, empty space that's been festering inside him for far too long. Killua's eyebrows are knit together with worry, and he touches the side of Gon's face carefully, swipes a thumb under his eye even though Gon hasn't started to cry – yet.

“You don't have to prove anything to me, Gon. You're not a bad person and you're not a bad friend. I know we- Look, all that? It _sucked_. It sucked a lot. But that doesn't change the fact that you're one of the best things that has ever, ever happened to me, okay? You changed _everything_. My whole life. I wouldn't trade it for anything.”

Gon blinks and a few tears do spill over then. He bows his head, trying to escape Killua's gaze, but Killua leans in at the same time and presses their foreheads together. “You're my best friend,” Killua tells him in a whisper. “ _And_ ,” he continues, just as quietly, but his tone lilting with amusement. “I'd _like_ for you to be my boyfriend.” Then, seriously, “If that's what you want, too.”

“You changed everything, too, Killua,” Gon admits through his tears. Killua finally lets go of his hand in favor of touching both sides of his face. Gon's hands find new purchase in Killua's top. “You mean _so much_ – I'm–” Suddenly filled with a need to be closer, he wraps his arms around the other boy's middle. Killua pulls him in, too, arms around his neck, and lets Gon hide his face in his shoulder. “I just... Yeah,” he tells him, even if the words are muffled against the fabric of Killua's sweatshirt. “I want that. I want that, too. Is that okay?”

Killua has his chin hooked over Gon's shoulder. “Of course it is, you big dummy.” His voice sounds a little thick, and his sniffs. “Now stop crying. You're getting my shirt all wet.”

Gon allows himself several moments to just breathe, each breath warm and humid in the space between his mouth and Killua's shirt. Killua is real and solid, in his arms and holding him as well – a grounding presence.

“But,” Gon sniffs, pulls away enough to scrubs at his eyes with the heel of his hand. “Killua--”

“No 'buts' Gon,” Killua tells him. “I said it's okay so it is. Stop tearing yourself up over it.”

“No, it's not that,” Gon finishes wiping his face and looks up at his friend – his boyfriend, _wow_ – again. “It's just- We've... We've been doing some stuff, right, since- Since we've been dating. But not other stuff?”

By Killua's expression, he probably knows where Gon is going with this. He reddens a little.

“Stuff, like... you know, um. Kissing?” Gon finishes in a very small voice. Not that he _minds,_ of course, if Killua doesn't care much for kissing. Or anything else, for that matter, beyond that point. Gon thinks kissing would sort of be nice – or at least, when he daydreams about it, it's nice. But if they only ever do what they've been doing – just being close and holding hands and holding each other and lying curled around each other while they sleep – that is okay. Gon really likes all of that. If that is all Killua wants, he can be content with that for maybe forever. “Is there a reason, or?”

Killua averts his gaze, blushing with almost the entirety of his face by then. “We- You- ..I just. You never seemed like you wanted to. I thought maybe we were just going slow.”

“Never seemed like I wanted to?” Gon asks, blinking up at him. “Killua, did you try...?”

Killua shoves his shoulder a little roughly. “Shut up!” He says, preemptively embarrassed by the confession that comes out next. “A-a few times, I guess. I tried to … To get you to meet me halfway a couple of times and you never followed through, so.”

Gon can feel his eyes widen a bit. Killua had tried to kiss him! And he hadn't noticed! He rakes his brain, trying to think back to a time where Killua might have been trying to kiss him. Then again, maybe he doesn't want to know when those times were. It's embarrassing, and a little upsetting, to think of Killua wanting that from him and him failing to deliver. “Killua!” He exclaims, although not loudly.

Killua slides his gaze back to Gon, his mouth twisted into a pout that – that actually looks rather tempting. It distracts Gon momentarily, before he finds the words to continue.

“Killua,” he starts again, seriously. “Do you want to kiss now?”

Killua bites his lip – oh, unfair – and drops his gaze a little, looking at Gon's... at his mouth? The thought is a little dizzying. “Yes.” This confession comes more easily, and Gon wonders how often Killua as thought about this. Killua is leaning in, just a little.

_That's my cue_ , Gon thinks, his pulse thrumming. “So.. I can kiss you,” he says slowly, leaning in a little himself. “Because we're dating.”

“Yes,” Killua repeats, one of his hands settling on Gon's knee as he glances up to meet his gaze. Just for a moment, though, before he hones in on his target again.

“Because we're boyfriends.” Saying it aloud makes him feel giddy. Gon dares to let his hand settle on Killua's jaw.

“ _Yes_ , Gon, jeeze-”

Gon takes the opportunity to cut him off. The kiss is unhurried, and soft. It lasts for less than a minute before they pull away from each other.

For a moment, they just stare, a little wide-eyed, as if neither of them can quite believe what's just passed between them.

Gon wants more. “Can I-”

Killua is the one to interrupt this time, pushing back in more even more eagerly that before. A hand finds its way behind Gon's head to pull him in, their bodies moving closer – knees bumping and legs rearranging. Gon finds he needs to tilt his head back a little to continue the kiss. He buries one hand in Killua's hair and lets the other fist in the fabric over Killua's waist.

They pull away to breathe, then kiss again. Killua nips at his lip and Gon makes a startled noise, which makes Killua chuckle low and pleased before he dips his tongue in the opening Gon has allowed for him. The only sounds Gon makes after that are breathy sighs or small noises of pleasure.

After that, they break away without immediately pressing in again, instead contenting themselves with leaning into one another, holding on and offering support.

Their phones buzz at nearly the same time, making them both jump a little.

Gon pulls his out of his pocket while Killua finds his on the arm of the couch.

“It's Alluka,” Killua tells him, already typing his reply.

Gon laughs. “Mine too.”

_'Going to bed now!_ ٩(´Д` ;)۶:.* _Have a good night & sleep well!'_

Gon smiles at the message, scrolling back up to their earlier texts briefly before sending a simple reply.

_'You too. Thank you, Alluka_.,' he sends, knowing, she won't know everything he's thanking her for.

“Come on,” Killua says, standing and offering Gon his hand. “We should go to bed, too. Leorio's flight comes in early.”

Gon grins, takes Killua's hand and allows the other to pull him up from his seat. “Yeah.” As they pad to the bedroom, Gon slips his arm around Killua's waist and gives him a little squeeze. “I'm gunna cuddle you SO MUCH when we're in bed.”

Killua laughs, and gives him a playful and half-hearted shove. “You already have been, idiot.”

“But MORE now!” Gon laughs in return.

He thinks Killua might groan, or come up with a witty comeback or put-down, but instead he laughs more, and slides his own arm around Gon in turn, smiling bright as anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! 
> 
> I'd seen this trope done for killugon before, but usually with Killua being the oblivious party. I thought I'd try it the other way around. It got really out of hand, in any case. I worked on it pretty much the whole week, haha. I really didn't mean for it to get this long! Hopefully I'll be back to working on the main project soon.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Comments are always appreciated!


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